Over time that you work on different tasks, you learn more things about yourself. When things go wrong, when things are not happened in the same way that we have planned, when external problems interfere with our internal schedule...People react in different ways at these situations. Some get sensitive and put the blame on others. Some are hard on themselves and go extreamly criticizing their work. The last group who are rare in the number try to be reasonable and see the real problems that cause they perform less efficiently.
I used to be like the first group for a long time. Like a nagging person who believes the whole world is against her!!! But the life actually teaches me that this attitude will not work for most situations. As I get involved with more serious tasks such as writing a thesis in English, taking difficult English exams, presenting my work to broad rang of people, more importantly working with people who are precise and punctuate, I realize that I need a change. A big change! Fortunately, once I am convinced to do a change, my personality does not resist to the change anymore. I easily throw away previous thoughts and adapt to the new situation. However, convincing me is not that simple!!!
Given this introduction, I am trying to join the third group. I am working on myself to be more rational and reasonable. I am doing a PhD in computer science, not many people do this in particular, women do not go for such difficult tasks. I have a dare to start it, although there are times that I become overwhelm with the pressure. In particular, the times that I compare my life with other friends, girls! They seem so happier and relax than I. But in fact, they are not doing anything with their life. We often neglect the undeniable truth that once we get used to ordinary life and we pass thirty, years of life go fast. So, being more different has the advantages of getting more benefits.
The thing is I am trying to be less sensitive but more focus on anything in life. It is difficult when most people around you do not really care about the quality of the personality.
I am the one who cares and I sometimes feel sad of going through this practice...It is because I feel tired time to time but I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Australia congrats Cadel!
'Feeling good, going fast' said Cadel Evans, the first Australian winner of 2011 Tour de France.
The top world cyclist return home on Thursday, Aug 11 and rode with 20 children as his team from St. Kilda to Federation square in Melbourne on Friday. The massive crowd who wore yellow color with cheerful flags welcomed him impressively.
I was one of the participant in this event for two reasons: First, I love cycling. He is my hero in that sense. Secondly, I wanted to be part of this national's celebration. In the interview at Federation square, when he was asked; " What were the steps over twenty years that led you here today?" He answered: "First, I hoped, Next I worked. I was then convinced and I believed in myself and finally I could prove it!"
Yell for Cadel! Yell for Cadel for his greatest attempt within twenty years for bringing such event for Australia and himself!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
I watched this movie last night: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. A different work by Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet.
A physiological journey into human emotions. The movie was about a couple who went through the sour time of their relationship that its pain is far beyond their capacity. So, they each decided to erase each other from their memories by a special mind processing technique. But through the process of loss, they discovered what they had to begin with.
I wish, there was such possibilities in reality that could erase our memories of the one who gave the most hurt and joy to us. I wish one day we could go to the doctor and say:" Please relieve me from all the signs and memories from this person" and the day after, we would not even recognize that person in the street. He/She becomes like a total stranger. This way, none of us would get affected by the fact that there is an end to everything. I bet, by doing this, We then would be much happier people who can carry on life without hate and anger.
But in reality, we have to go a time period of attempts and attempts of forgetting people. Some make this easier for themselves by hating people, blaming them, ignoring them. They change everything, work place, friends, even the city or country to be able to forget. However, stronger people stay. They know that escaping is the easiest solution but not the best. I belong to the second group. I do not erase people. I try to change my judgement towards them but I cannot treat the ones who have had a role in my life like a total stranger. I have this character from my parents. I have grown up in a loving environment that the first principle was all people have good things and bad. We should respect them for their good.
Sadly, my beliefs do not match the reality. In real life, we have to throw a stone back to the person who starts this immature and childish game. This is against my ideas but I have to follow it to be justified in the adult definition!
That is why I wish, I could go to the doctor tomorrow and say: Please erase my memory from this person. I want to have a normal life without hate, anger, sadness. I want to have it all now as life is short and it does not worth to spend time and time to forget someone.
The most moving scene in that movie was the moment that the last memory was erasing and the couple were begging to have the good last one. He said: "Do not leave me. Stay". She said back: " I cannot...I have to go. but come back and say a proper good bye to me" ...
Yes. A proper good bye is the last thing that each of us deserve to hear for the sake of time being together. But selfishness, ego, wrong judgement and even an attempt to erase everything ruins that moment...and we all know that the emptiness inside will never be erased or forgotten.
A physiological journey into human emotions. The movie was about a couple who went through the sour time of their relationship that its pain is far beyond their capacity. So, they each decided to erase each other from their memories by a special mind processing technique. But through the process of loss, they discovered what they had to begin with.
I wish, there was such possibilities in reality that could erase our memories of the one who gave the most hurt and joy to us. I wish one day we could go to the doctor and say:" Please relieve me from all the signs and memories from this person" and the day after, we would not even recognize that person in the street. He/She becomes like a total stranger. This way, none of us would get affected by the fact that there is an end to everything. I bet, by doing this, We then would be much happier people who can carry on life without hate and anger.
But in reality, we have to go a time period of attempts and attempts of forgetting people. Some make this easier for themselves by hating people, blaming them, ignoring them. They change everything, work place, friends, even the city or country to be able to forget. However, stronger people stay. They know that escaping is the easiest solution but not the best. I belong to the second group. I do not erase people. I try to change my judgement towards them but I cannot treat the ones who have had a role in my life like a total stranger. I have this character from my parents. I have grown up in a loving environment that the first principle was all people have good things and bad. We should respect them for their good.
Sadly, my beliefs do not match the reality. In real life, we have to throw a stone back to the person who starts this immature and childish game. This is against my ideas but I have to follow it to be justified in the adult definition!
That is why I wish, I could go to the doctor tomorrow and say: Please erase my memory from this person. I want to have a normal life without hate, anger, sadness. I want to have it all now as life is short and it does not worth to spend time and time to forget someone.
The most moving scene in that movie was the moment that the last memory was erasing and the couple were begging to have the good last one. He said: "Do not leave me. Stay". She said back: " I cannot...I have to go. but come back and say a proper good bye to me" ...
Yes. A proper good bye is the last thing that each of us deserve to hear for the sake of time being together. But selfishness, ego, wrong judgement and even an attempt to erase everything ruins that moment...and we all know that the emptiness inside will never be erased or forgotten.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Cheers for dance
I have started Zumba and Salsa dance for a few months now. What I like about dance in particular, is that it keeps the harmony of the body. It is often said that in dance your body get the control of your mind. Since there is no time for mind to get occupied with rationalism, emotions or thoughts, the mind becomes "white" in expression. Similar process happens during the exercises, but the excitement factor of music and movements that are involved in dance increase the chances to experience the pure moments of happiness and joy.
When I look in the mirror at my body that moves smoothly with other people in the room, I start to loving that pretty girl with the perfect body. She jumps, she turns, she laughs and she let herself is carried with the sound and lyric of the music... I specifically experience this feeling in Zumba dancing. I become a small girl that nothing in world can break her dreams and good heart! Cheers for dance!
When I look in the mirror at my body that moves smoothly with other people in the room, I start to loving that pretty girl with the perfect body. She jumps, she turns, she laughs and she let herself is carried with the sound and lyric of the music... I specifically experience this feeling in Zumba dancing. I become a small girl that nothing in world can break her dreams and good heart! Cheers for dance!
Monday, August 8, 2011
Getting out of the illusion
I was rushing to get to my Yoga class this evening after a long day of research and teaching.
I suddenly faced a reality on the street that I has denied to see for a year now.
As we go older, we learn how to react in such situations. I went to my class but I could not get inside. Instead I took a walk on familiar streets which was my dream one day...
The thing that I have been an honest person who never gives up in believing good things in people. A person who forgives other's bad. A person who does not treat in the same ugly way that she might be treated. Because I have dignity inside. Because I have a faith that good things never die. But, today at the end of a very busy day, I saw whatever I have hoped for and have believed in, has got lost. It was the glorious moment of sadness in my life.
But I managed to confront the emotions and was able to accept the reality. Doubt became clear and shadows faded away. The truth is I felt being betrayed, ignored and left behind without an explanation. The truth is so bitter, I know. But I like it because it is as honest as I am. Then a deep down happiness came to me. I am lucky and God blessed to see the real fact that will help me to come out of my fairy tale illusion. The illusion that misunderstandings would be solved, the illusion that time passing would make people to realize their mistakes, their bads...no. If a person develops hostility feelings towards the people whom care about him, not only time cannot helps but also hate becomes more complicated...the other side of my illusion was the love and care that I have spent three years of my life, would not go away...one day, they will be appreciated...that was wrong...good things can be forgotton easily...
I have been feeling so closed to the end recently. To the end of this wait, hope, whatever it is...what makes me so sad at this moment is that I hoped and believed in that my story would be different from common heart broken stories...but it is not. I cannot change it. I cannot clear the ugly fact from my life painting. It is there and I cannot deny it anymore...perhaps this reason is killing me...
I am glad that I could write down my emotions, a combination of anger, hate, sadness and ...I am also glad that no one whom knows me in real life, can read this blog. I am so glad that I have a secret friend, my blog here, that listens to me, helps me to cry out and relieve myself of all the ugly facts around...
I suddenly faced a reality on the street that I has denied to see for a year now.
As we go older, we learn how to react in such situations. I went to my class but I could not get inside. Instead I took a walk on familiar streets which was my dream one day...
The thing that I have been an honest person who never gives up in believing good things in people. A person who forgives other's bad. A person who does not treat in the same ugly way that she might be treated. Because I have dignity inside. Because I have a faith that good things never die. But, today at the end of a very busy day, I saw whatever I have hoped for and have believed in, has got lost. It was the glorious moment of sadness in my life.
But I managed to confront the emotions and was able to accept the reality. Doubt became clear and shadows faded away. The truth is I felt being betrayed, ignored and left behind without an explanation. The truth is so bitter, I know. But I like it because it is as honest as I am. Then a deep down happiness came to me. I am lucky and God blessed to see the real fact that will help me to come out of my fairy tale illusion. The illusion that misunderstandings would be solved, the illusion that time passing would make people to realize their mistakes, their bads...no. If a person develops hostility feelings towards the people whom care about him, not only time cannot helps but also hate becomes more complicated...the other side of my illusion was the love and care that I have spent three years of my life, would not go away...one day, they will be appreciated...that was wrong...good things can be forgotton easily...
I have been feeling so closed to the end recently. To the end of this wait, hope, whatever it is...what makes me so sad at this moment is that I hoped and believed in that my story would be different from common heart broken stories...but it is not. I cannot change it. I cannot clear the ugly fact from my life painting. It is there and I cannot deny it anymore...perhaps this reason is killing me...
I am glad that I could write down my emotions, a combination of anger, hate, sadness and ...I am also glad that no one whom knows me in real life, can read this blog. I am so glad that I have a secret friend, my blog here, that listens to me, helps me to cry out and relieve myself of all the ugly facts around...
Monday, August 1, 2011
Relax into the Valley
We live in an up-and-down, ebb-and-flow universe, yet we would much rather flow than ebb. It took me almost a year to accept the fact that when we are struggling in the down sides, we are actually in the troughs between the peaks of life. Surviving life's low points is a kind of a skill. Recently I read an article that suggests how to gain this skill.
We all have experienced vertiginous and unsupported feeling of everything going wrong at once. Apart from our exaggeration of the whole situation, there is a true fact behind it. Ruined plans and unfulfilled expectations remind us that we have little control over most situations. Here is the place that we resist every downturn - from a demotion to a breakup as if it were death itself - In fact we are either at denial stage to pretend things won't go wrong or we clutch at straws.
But the moment that we accept that what is happening is happening, we actually have passed the first step of life crisis successfully. A good simulation of the situation is thinking of a going into a valley. Do what you did like a small kid on the big shiny playground slide:
Let go and ride it down!
Source: From the September 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
We all have experienced vertiginous and unsupported feeling of everything going wrong at once. Apart from our exaggeration of the whole situation, there is a true fact behind it. Ruined plans and unfulfilled expectations remind us that we have little control over most situations. Here is the place that we resist every downturn - from a demotion to a breakup as if it were death itself - In fact we are either at denial stage to pretend things won't go wrong or we clutch at straws.
But the moment that we accept that what is happening is happening, we actually have passed the first step of life crisis successfully. A good simulation of the situation is thinking of a going into a valley. Do what you did like a small kid on the big shiny playground slide:
Let go and ride it down!
Source: From the September 2010 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine
