Your uncertainty

I do not see. I do not see that passion and love in your eyes...It was only that moment that you cared and now you do not have it...you do not have this feeling...that is why I am so scared.  I am scared of this uncertainty in your eyes and your feeling...


Two days after this post, I met you and I saw something else in your eyes...you are sad, also tired. I could feel your uncertainty is because of your own situation...things that are going on your life at the moment and you need to time to deal with them. Your uncertainty is not a bad sign it is an honest sign that reflexes your situation...Just hang in there, the right moment will arrive.

Feeling empty inside...

I did my exam...and I am empty now. I feel completely empty inside. The only thing that I know is that I did my best...I was in my best place, the reality has thought me that my best attempts is not necessarily meet the real world expectation...that is why I have this emptyness feeling that I put myself out there and I do not know what would be the outcome...

Light at the end of tunnel

I went swimming today after a long time. I went swimming to find my strength back because I need it tomorrow most. whenever I swim, I get the confident that I can do everything. I make a race with myself to swim the free style from one side of the lane to another side of it, when at the last minute I have difficulty to breath, I tell myself that keep it going, just another moment...just another attempt and finally I am there!...this practice simulates the experience for me that success in life is all about bearing the last moments when you are tired most...the golden rule in life that says: "Never give up"...

I also remember a word from a friend "there is a light at the end of the tunnel"...and this is always true whenever we think that we cannot go further but we must remember that there is a light that will welcome our attempts and hardworking...

I made it...

I made it to be strong and stayed focus when everything fall apart...again, I made it. But I am not sure how much longer I am able to hang there...how much longer for you to see me and my continuous effort...

why wait?

Tell me one thing... Why are you waiting for?
The longer you hesitate, the more I become disappointed...

I am thinking...

I am thinking how simple I am and how difficult you are...
I am thinking how positive and forgivable I am and how negative and ungenerous you are...
I am thinking how mature I am and how childish you are...
You call my way of thinking "over analyzing" but you know yourself that I am right here.
Soon there will be one day that I will be acting instead of thinking...and that would be very late, very late for you to realize how much I want to be there for you...

Take me to that silence

"I feel like an Olympic athlete who has lost his final game, although he has tried with all his power to win it...
After the failure, He now wants to be alone in an ultimate silence...
He wants to escape form anyone who claims to understand him, admires him, cares about him...
The athlete realizes that there is only one sad fact that is losing in the game and nothing else is matter,...and that is why he wants to be left alone with this most bitter moment in his life at that endless silence...
"
That was my feeling almost one year ago. Today, I realize a true fact that life has a funny and weird way to take us back to the places where we were before. Or maybe it is our fault to do the same mistakes again and again that cause we ending up to the similar results..I am here now again. Here, in that position that I feel the sadness of another failure...I want to escape to the silence. I want to escape from myself. Myself as a person who trusts her emotions again, let them to control her, let them to interfere her strength...
For one year I have worked on myself to be self dependent when difficulties at any type arrives. For one year I have tried to find solutions to my mild depression that causes me insomnia. For one year I have confronted stresses and pressures but I managed to deal with them by myself. For one year I have thought to myself that I would learn from my mistakes and asif any similar situation is given ton me, I would behave based on my experience...
At the end of this long long year, I see how I made the same mistakes...even worse...I see how I have lost my strength of self dependency by trusting someone else. How I let emotions controls me. how I made the same mistakes that other people would comfort me. would hold my hands while I am scared, how they would comfort me when I am stressed...NO! There is no such extreme understandings in this world any more. Sadly but truely there is no real care anymore except the unconditional love and support that we get from our families....
I want to go back to that silence again. I want to escape from my bad failure that even tastes bitter than the first time...
I might found my strength back again one day in the silence, this is the only hope that I have now, the only thing that let me still try...So, dear world please take me to that silence again...

Let the fear go

I am scared...I am so scared to confront tomorrow. I know tomorrow will come and I have to face it... there is no backward and I need to have faith and go forward only...but I myself know how scared I am to see the tomorrow!

I still need to be patient

I still need to be patient. I still need to wait until the right moment comes. The right moment that we need to reveal the hurt, the emptyness, the sadness...this is not the right time for that helpful conversation. I did not know that last night. I did not know that. I was about 7 min only 7 min to blow up the chance that could help us to recover of the past year...only 7 min...thanks to a friend who be there and warned me not to take actions based on emotions, warned me not to close the window, not to make you running away... just to let you know that your messages made me happy.

Talk to me

Please talk to me. I need you to talk to me now. This moment, not an hour later, not tonight not tomorrow but right now. I have waited so long for this conversation. I have waited so long...for this moment, I have gone through a long long way. I deserved to know the answers. If you don't talk to me, if you don't come to me, there will be words unsaid between us and we will have to carry these heavy feelings inside for the rest of our lives. My window is open to you. Don't disappoint me. Let me believe that it is worth to give everyone a second chance. So, don't hesitate. Come and talk to me...Let us feel being mature to be able to have that difficult conversation that has made us apart for a long long year now...Don't blow that open window up ...Don't disappoint me...Talk to me.