Take me to that silence

"I feel like an Olympic athlete who has lost his final game, although he has tried with all his power to win it...
After the failure, He now wants to be alone in an ultimate silence...
He wants to escape form anyone who claims to understand him, admires him, cares about him...
The athlete realizes that there is only one sad fact that is losing in the game and nothing else is matter,...and that is why he wants to be left alone with this most bitter moment in his life at that endless silence...
"
That was my feeling almost one year ago. Today, I realize a true fact that life has a funny and weird way to take us back to the places where we were before. Or maybe it is our fault to do the same mistakes again and again that cause we ending up to the similar results..I am here now again. Here, in that position that I feel the sadness of another failure...I want to escape to the silence. I want to escape from myself. Myself as a person who trusts her emotions again, let them to control her, let them to interfere her strength...
For one year I have worked on myself to be self dependent when difficulties at any type arrives. For one year I have tried to find solutions to my mild depression that causes me insomnia. For one year I have confronted stresses and pressures but I managed to deal with them by myself. For one year I have thought to myself that I would learn from my mistakes and asif any similar situation is given ton me, I would behave based on my experience...
At the end of this long long year, I see how I made the same mistakes...even worse...I see how I have lost my strength of self dependency by trusting someone else. How I let emotions controls me. how I made the same mistakes that other people would comfort me. would hold my hands while I am scared, how they would comfort me when I am stressed...NO! There is no such extreme understandings in this world any more. Sadly but truely there is no real care anymore except the unconditional love and support that we get from our families....
I want to go back to that silence again. I want to escape from my bad failure that even tastes bitter than the first time...
I might found my strength back again one day in the silence, this is the only hope that I have now, the only thing that let me still try...So, dear world please take me to that silence again...